on fear & fairytales.

i could ramble on about the many thoughts that have been floating around in my head and how they got there. and i just might. if you know me you know i think a lot. maybe too much? that one of my biggest struggles is turning my head off. i went to a photography conference on monday and was inspired by a particular speaker to not hold back on who i am. i suppose the more i feel that this blog is actually read, the less i want to say, if that makes any sense. i don't want to offend anyone, i don't want to push anyone away, i want people to like me, i don't want people to think i suck, etc. she said no matter if it's good or bad, you are connecting. it is your voice. at the end of the day, me is all i can be and if you really know me, i don't hold in what i'm thinking or feeling. hardly ever. so i'm going to start putting more of myself out there. if you like it, awesome. if you don't, well... ya win some ya lose some, right?


so i'm getting busier! this is a good thing. i've been doing a lot more sessions and every time i am behind my camera i am in love. that is no lie. i can be having a blah day, feeling completely uninspired and i start shooting and everything changes. by the end i am energized in a way i can't describe. i remember the first time i did a family session like it was yesterday. i came home from having a total AH HA moment and i was like this is what i'm supposed to do! it was one of those things i just knew. and i don't just know many things. like what i want to eat, or wear, or go, or do, or see, or what to make for dinner, really anything that requires a decision. especially absolutes. and forevers. i am indecisive to the core. but this, i know. so back to being busy. it's awesome and scary all at the same time. 


as i lay in bed last night my mind was racing. i have so many photos i need to edit, i need to blog, i want to make a photo book of zoe's first year of life, and second, branding, sushi, why did i have a super caffeinated chai tea latte at my 7:30PM meeting, what if that bride didn't like me, i need to update my website, should i start potty training tomorrow... i took a deep breath but my exhale was broken into small forced breaths. i couldn't relax. jesse was laying next to me and i whispered, sometimes i don't know if i can do this. just saying it allowed me to breathe again. he is the voice of reason and a rock that keeps me... well, sane. he helped slow my mind down and we made some plans. he's a fixer, so we devised ways that i could overcome my workload, grow my business, still stay home with my baby, AND be happy. we solved my world's problems from our bed. but i still couldn't sleep. so however crazy this may sound, sometimes i make him tell me a bedtime story to go to sleep. yes, it's childish and no, i don't care. it helps. for those brief moments of his (by the way, awesome!) fairytales my mind can wander to this perfectly simple, childlike, dream world. and if you wanted to know, the fairytale was about a bunny rabbit and a grasshopper.


i've tried to type out the story but it just doesn't work. in essence, the grasshopper was having a bad day and was weary and hungry and tired. she reluctantly asked the bunny rabbit for help. the bunny rabbit told her she could hitch a ride on his back and he carried her to where she could eat and rest, and they had a cool adventure along the way. in the world of metaphors, i was totally the grasshopper. and he was the bunny rabbit. usually the stories are of monkeys and fairies, but i didn't ask questions. and then i fell asleep. peacefully.