california and staying inspired.

i should probably be asking myself why i'm not sleeping since it's 1:52AM and i know my little blonde bundle of energy will be up in less hours than i can count on one hand. hi mama, wanna EAT! but instead i decided that after many, many hours of editing today, i'm going to do something for me. i'll be honest - i love middle of the night silence. deep dark skies and stillness. knowing that my family is peacefully sleeping and just taking some time to relax and evaluate. this month is the busiest month of my (business) life thus far. i am so excited for all the new clients i am meeting, the returning ones that i'm getting to know even better, and the invigorating feeling that comes along with non-stop productivity. i'm also really nervous because in all honestly, it's a little (probably a lot) too much. but these things need to happen. i need to test my limits so that i can make them. i need to push my own boundaries so i can draw the lines. this month is helping me do that in so many ways, and for that i'm grateful. i will get through it AND i will do my best. i will learn, grow, appreciate, love, and not forget to breathe.

i recently took an impromptu trip to california. my whole life i've always felt like i belonged there, but i've never even been. it was kind of silly really, my whole california fantasy. but.... then i went. and i fell in love. i wanted to bottle up the energy in that place. there's this palpable vibrance everywhere and the whole time i was trying to figure out what it was and where it was coming from. why the people are so refreshing and why the food is so delicious and why "marijuana" isn't the end of the flipping world. there seems to be this unified consciousness and in all of my voyeuristic glory i figured out one thing that contributes to this energy that i love. confession: i eavesdrop constantly. it's bad. but in doing so, my epiphany, everyone was talking about IDEAS. not people, not things, not football... IDEAS. there is a lot of power in that. one of my favorite quotes: great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. so true.

i'm sure californians talk about celebrity gossip and football and dirty socks like the rest of us, but i'm telling you, the ratio of ideas to petty nonsense was refreshing to say the least. while i was there i carried my camera and took it out randomly, when i felt moved to. i didn't make myself take pictures. it was really nice to just be able to photograph something that inspired me in that moment. and it reminded me that i need to do that more often. to stay inspired and fresh and and passionate - i have to take a break from the normal and seek out something that makes me say ahhh. here are some of my random california moments.

goodnight. :)

zoe is two!

zoe is TWO years old. i can't believe it. i know from the moment you have a child everyone is saying "cherish it because it goes by really fast, too fast." yeah, yeah i thought. but um, IT'S TRUE. and now i'm the one saying it to everyone with new babies. does it slow down at all as they get older because seriously the first two years are crazy. it's like every day there is something new. sometimes zoe would wake up from her nap and i'd be like, you're bigger! how does that even happen? she'd go to her grandparent's house and come back speaking full sentences with words i never knew she could say. crazy stuff. 

but, in all honesty, i have loved every second of it. motherhood changes you, always for the better. instead of a happy birthday card i got zoe a thank you card. thank you for finding your way to me. for teaching me what real, unconditional love is. joy. selflessness. purity. and life. i often say how i don't think of myself as her teacher, i think of her as my teacher. i am consistently learning from her and her lessons are poignant and beautiful and they come right from her heart. i LOVE being her mom. 

last night at her birthday party she was such a light. when she woke up yesterday morning in her mind nothing was different, she didn't have any expectations but jesse and i were totally in her face immediately happy birthday zoe!!! you're two!!!! she just smiled this sweet little smile like ok guys, that's cool. then we went downstairs and she spotted the cupcakes. we started getting ready for breakfast and i told her she could have anything she wanted for breakfast and shocker, she picked cupcakes. we snuck bacon and eggs in there but a cupcake for breakfast, sweet. then she got a fish, she named HIM tinkerbell. i love it. 

the day went on, jesse went to work and i gave her my complete undivided attention all day and soaked up all her two-year-old-ness. then we had her party! she is a little bit shy so i was worried that the amount of people would overwhelm her a bit but it was perfect. people kind of came in waves and it she loved everything so much. she's such a gracious girl, at TWO. it's unbelievable. so excited for each and every present, and the next morning, she still remembers everyone who came and what they brought and what they did together. she loves her family and her friends. 

i love her enthusiasm, her mind, her raspy little voice, her laugh, her hugs and her kisses, her sweet dance moves, her love, and pretty much every little thing about her. happy birthday zoe! thank you for finding us and for all the things you teach us every day. we love you!

in between.

as i sit here sipping my hot cup of tea in a silent house, i'm feeling in between. i feel equal parts grateful and longing. since zoe was born i have stayed home with her. from the moment she wakes up, through snuggly morning time into playing with blocks, poopy diapers, and bikes and grass and dirt, to lunchtime, and nap time, back to the park, the deck, the songs we sing, the books we read, then daddy comes home and well.... i'm chopped liver at that point. but we play more, get the mail, cook dinner, eat together, and then it's bedtime, fighting sleep, and then looking like the most peaceful little angel in the world once she finally surrenders to it. i've been there for all of the little moments - her first everything, so far. of course i've grown attached to all of our little routines, and also the lack of routine, the ability to be spontaneous, and everything she's taught me. i learn something every day from her. she is my teacher.

now she's in daycare twice a week. this is only week one so forgive me, i'm still processing. we did this for a few reasons. for one, i needed the time to complete all the work i was taking on. i didn't want to feel torn during my time with her like man, i really need to answer all these emails. i wonder if while she's playing i could edit some photos. zoe, want to watch the wiggles on youtube while i work? no. when i was with her i wanted to BE WITH her. i started feeling guilty about not being able to be in the moment with her and always feeling like i had something else i should be doing. so that's one reason. then, she's reaching that age where she loves playing with other kids. jesse and i may or may not get a little teary eyed when we see how much she lights up running around with kids her age. it's so cute. so, the socialization, the learning, the education, the play. we wanted her to have that, too. 

one random day, i decided i'd look on craigslist just to see how much daycare even costs. if this was going to really happen, i knew i wanted a home daycare and i knew i wanted to find the right one. i stumbled upon this sweet woman who answered me back promptly and with much more than a sentence. in fact, it was more like a page. thorough, intelligent, thoughtful, accommodating, kind. i went to meet her. how bad could it be? on the way there i was thinking it's probably going to suck, and that's okay. she doesn't really need to go... but, it was awesome. from the moment i walked into her house i breathed a little deeper. she looked at me in the eye the whole time i talked to her. i watched her interact with her kids. they were happy, polite, and eager. it was perfect. plus, she said they got through the whole winter last year with no sick kids! amazing. 

so she started on tuesday and today is day two. she cried when i left and i hated it. as much as i am getting done, i miss her energy in the house. it's a lesson for me on balance. i keep telling myself this is a good thing. and in my heart, i know it is. it's only two days. but it doesn't make it any easier. i guess i'm afraid i'm going to miss something. if she says something new, don't tell me! and what if she pees on the potty without me? and if i go to pick her up and she doesn't want to leave, umm... i might die. looking at the bright side, when i ask her if she likes it there she says "uh HUH!!" and that "miss baker was nice" and "i played with ian." and "baby mia is toot (cute)." i get SO MUCH done, and can finally feel like i'm tying all of these loose strings in my mind. every idea is being manifested into a reality and i am moving forward with my other dream, my work. 

it's the best of both worlds. sometimes i just need a reminder. yesterday, on the day i got her all to myself, we were snuggling at nap time and i was trying to get her to sleep. she reached her hand up to my face and just stroked my face like i do to her. mommy? yeah zoe? i love you mommy. i love you too baby. then i cried. i'm doing something right. 

little spectator.

tonight was my little sister's first field hockey game. zoe and i went and cheered her on. she kicked serious butt as usual and scored two goals. it was really fun to see zoe getting into it. i love these... 

videotaping...

emma is number one!

sharing a couple cute moments after the game. :)

good times!

simple beauty.