in between.

as i sit here sipping my hot cup of tea in a silent house, i'm feeling in between. i feel equal parts grateful and longing. since zoe was born i have stayed home with her. from the moment she wakes up, through snuggly morning time into playing with blocks, poopy diapers, and bikes and grass and dirt, to lunchtime, and nap time, back to the park, the deck, the songs we sing, the books we read, then daddy comes home and well.... i'm chopped liver at that point. but we play more, get the mail, cook dinner, eat together, and then it's bedtime, fighting sleep, and then looking like the most peaceful little angel in the world once she finally surrenders to it. i've been there for all of the little moments - her first everything, so far. of course i've grown attached to all of our little routines, and also the lack of routine, the ability to be spontaneous, and everything she's taught me. i learn something every day from her. she is my teacher.

now she's in daycare twice a week. this is only week one so forgive me, i'm still processing. we did this for a few reasons. for one, i needed the time to complete all the work i was taking on. i didn't want to feel torn during my time with her like man, i really need to answer all these emails. i wonder if while she's playing i could edit some photos. zoe, want to watch the wiggles on youtube while i work? no. when i was with her i wanted to BE WITH her. i started feeling guilty about not being able to be in the moment with her and always feeling like i had something else i should be doing. so that's one reason. then, she's reaching that age where she loves playing with other kids. jesse and i may or may not get a little teary eyed when we see how much she lights up running around with kids her age. it's so cute. so, the socialization, the learning, the education, the play. we wanted her to have that, too. 

one random day, i decided i'd look on craigslist just to see how much daycare even costs. if this was going to really happen, i knew i wanted a home daycare and i knew i wanted to find the right one. i stumbled upon this sweet woman who answered me back promptly and with much more than a sentence. in fact, it was more like a page. thorough, intelligent, thoughtful, accommodating, kind. i went to meet her. how bad could it be? on the way there i was thinking it's probably going to suck, and that's okay. she doesn't really need to go... but, it was awesome. from the moment i walked into her house i breathed a little deeper. she looked at me in the eye the whole time i talked to her. i watched her interact with her kids. they were happy, polite, and eager. it was perfect. plus, she said they got through the whole winter last year with no sick kids! amazing. 

so she started on tuesday and today is day two. she cried when i left and i hated it. as much as i am getting done, i miss her energy in the house. it's a lesson for me on balance. i keep telling myself this is a good thing. and in my heart, i know it is. it's only two days. but it doesn't make it any easier. i guess i'm afraid i'm going to miss something. if she says something new, don't tell me! and what if she pees on the potty without me? and if i go to pick her up and she doesn't want to leave, umm... i might die. looking at the bright side, when i ask her if she likes it there she says "uh HUH!!" and that "miss baker was nice" and "i played with ian." and "baby mia is toot (cute)." i get SO MUCH done, and can finally feel like i'm tying all of these loose strings in my mind. every idea is being manifested into a reality and i am moving forward with my other dream, my work. 

it's the best of both worlds. sometimes i just need a reminder. yesterday, on the day i got her all to myself, we were snuggling at nap time and i was trying to get her to sleep. she reached her hand up to my face and just stroked my face like i do to her. mommy? yeah zoe? i love you mommy. i love you too baby. then i cried. i'm doing something right.